A Brief Guide to Christian Dating
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“...relationships that don’t center around God are destined to be disappointing, confusing, and even destructive”
One of the hardest things to understand as a young person is the concept of dating. What is dating? What are its defining characteristics? What does dating imply? Is it serious? Is it casual? The complexity of dating is often compounded when one is learning how to live life according to God’s will. Discovering false perspectives and purging out worldly ideas about dating is difficult and sometimes frustrating.
As a young man, before I was following Christ, I was making it up as I went along. The only standards to go by were the ones that I gleaned from the culture that surrounded me, as well as a general pressure not to shame or hurt my family. Most of what I learned about dating came from other young men, observing and listening to them talk about their relationships in every way one could imagine. Some guys were promiscuous, working on filling their tally cards with as many names as they possibly could. Most of my friends were of this ilk; the excitement of the “hunt” was a constant part of their wicked dialog.
Equally as shocking to me, was the fact that other guys seemed to be in exceptionally serious relationships by the time they were 16. Relationships like these were consuming; it was as though they were already married before they had lived life. These couples tended to worship one another and had very little space for anything outside of that relationship. Of course, there were other young people just like me, fumbling through life, unsure of exactly what dating should look like for them. All of these peer examples, as well as television, film, music and the pressures of my moral code, contributed to a very confused view of dating.
I assume that most college-age and young adults come from similar influences and perspectives. Whether male or female, the world’s idea of dating almost always assumes that we have the right to pursue personal satisfaction and comfort. These two pursuits play out in diverse variations in people’s lives but at the end of the day, relationships that don’t center around God are destined to be disappointing, confusing, and even destructive.
Once I realized who I was in Christ and surrendered to follow him, I began to undertake the work of undoing and replacing a lot of false thinking. I had to establish new perspectives on almost every aspect of my life, including what it meant to be in a dating relationship. Fast-forward to today, as a pastor of young adults, many of whom are single, I can share what I have learned principally from God’s word and give counsel that will help people work through the frustrations of dating.
Consider What You Want
“...don’t you dare compromise for burning-sake”
Some people desperately want to be married. Others do but are in no hurry. Still, some will never be married and are completely content with that. The Apostle Paul says that the church is full of each of these types of people and each type of person needs to know how to trust God to move forward in contentment and faith.
For the person who is single and happy that way? Praise God! The Bible says they won’t be distracted or encumbered with the management of someone else's thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. They are free to serve the Lord alone! Paul calls this a gift: “For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I” (1 Cor 7:7-8).
But in this same passage, Paul addresses those who don’t have this gift; many people have a desire within them to have a companion, someone they can have a physical relationship with: “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn” (1 Cor 7:9).
Paul’s advice here is that if someone is burning with a desire to be married (physical or otherwise), that’s okay, God loves marriage too. After all, the intellectual, emotional, and physical bond between a husband and a wife is a picture of the spiritual bond Christ has with the church (Eph 5:22-33). In this regard, we are all married and ought to find our satisfaction in Christ above all other relationships.
Now if you know that you would personally prefer to be married, chill. Don’t freak out and rush after the first person you meet and get engaged. That’s absolutely a recipe for disaster. I can tell you from repeated observation, you CAN marry the “wrong person” and then you will be stuck forever with someone who is completely incompatible or worse, spiritually void. Once you are married, you are married, and that person that was once “wrong” for you is now “right” simply by the authority of your Biblical vow. So, don’t you dare compromise for burning-sake. Your objective should be to find someone who has the same zeal for God as you do, the same trajectory. This means that you are going to need a strategy for moving forward full of faith and in the liberty of Christ.
Prepare Yourself
The first and most important thing to consider is your character. Are you the type of person that a godly and attractive believer of the opposite sex would want to be married to? The best thing you can do as a Christian, as well as a prospect for marriage, is live as a disciple of Jesus.
If the mission of your life is to find a soul mate, you are going to miss out on the real mission God has laid out for us. Following Christ with everything you have is so much greater than any earthly spousal relationship. He is our everything and wisdom says you should cast all your care in his direction. In so doing, you will slowly but surely be conformed to the image of Christ (Rom 8:29) and by extension, you will make yourself a better candidate for a spiritually-minded member of the opposite sex.
Be the Christian that you want your future spouse to be attracted to.
Also, on a side note, it doesn’t hurt to have good hygiene and work out. People are generally attracted to people who are healthy and clean.
Play it Cool
“Let God show you who you are compatible with because you may be surprised”
Alright, so let’s talk about a strategic approach: don’t be in a hurry; take it slow; resist the need to have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend for as long as you can; enjoy the satisfaction of getting to know your brothers and sisters in fellowship, with no strings attached. We all need space in the body of Christ to practice family, and if you are in a hurry to find a wife or husband then you run the risk of missing out on the freedom of singleness and amazing friendships. This can also look like settling for someone less than ideal.
So you may be asking, how does this work practically?
Well, how do brothers and sisters in the body of Christ spend time with one another? They do this through fellowship and ministry. This can look like hanging out often and in big groups of people, getting to know as many members of the opposite sex as possible. Build genuine brotherly and sisterly friendships. Cultivate relationships so that you can discover, over time, what you are truly looking for in a spouse and who might fit that bill. This is an important part of church life, and it is the ideal way of discovering good candidates for a more serious relationship.
In a ministry context, watch the opposite sex from afar. How do they treat other church members? Are they servant leaders? How seriously do they take their spiritual development? Are they submitted to authorities? Are they considerate and well-mannered? Do they have control over their emotions? What are their spiritual gifts? Is their personality compatible with yours? Also, it’s important to observe the character of people in different seasons of life. So, how do they respond in times of hardship and in times of celebration?
In this approach, you can trust God to show you over time, without any pressure of commitment, who is the most godly and compatible person for you.
A few things to note as it concerns this point. Don’t lead people on. It’s really easy to miscommunicate and mislead with your mouth as well as your eyes and physical posture (1 Pet 3:10; Prov 10:19). You could unintentionally (or intentionally depending on your perspective) hurt other people and do long term damage to your friendships and testimony as a brother or sister in Christ. Don’t be flirtatious; instead, be friendly.
Another thing to seriously consider is your list, you know, your “list of what you want in a future spouse”. I have heard about some of these lists, and they are often hard to take seriously. “I want someone with brown hair; they have to be taller than me; they must speak at least three languages; they have to love the Marvel Universe” so-on-and-so-forth. There is nothing wrong with having some preferences but many times, these things tend to be more of a hurdle to finding a godly spouse than anything else. Let God show you who you are compatible with…you may be surprised.
In time, you will discover that someone, in particular, catches your eye. Be purposeful to talk with them at length after church or at a social gathering. Eventually, ask to get coffee. If you have a more traditional view on this subject matter, girls, wait for him to ask you to go get coffee (just know sometimes guys are slow to catch on). The point is that at some point it’s wise to be purposeful in your communication so that you can begin a more intentional investigation of your relationship. This isn’t the moment you go buy a ring, but it is the moment where you start asking harder questions about whether or not this person is someone you could see yourself marrying.
The Bible teaches us that as disciples we must be “wise as serpents and harmless as doves” (Mat 10:16). Principally, this means that as you move forward in a more intentional way that you are discerning enough to know whether or not this person is suitable for you, and yet gentle enough to let them down easily. The more pressure you put on the relationship, the harder it is to retain that brotherly and sisterly friendship that is valuable to your life as well as the health of your ministry. Don’t set yourself up for failure by not being circumspect in this regard. Be slow and thoughtful (Prov 16:32; Eph 4:2). Protect one another by guarding your words (Prov 17:27-28; 21:23).
If there is a mutual spark, great! If not, you must be at peace letting go! You have to trust that God is superintending your life and has something better for you. What is crucial is that you retain a functional and sincere fellowship with this brother or sister in Christ even if you aren’t compatible relationally.
Seek Help From People Wiser Than You
“Isolation without accountability will naturally lead to temptation”
If you discover that there is a mutual interest and you see it progressing, then it’s time to get others involved. It’s not wise to keep a steady relationship hidden, though you certainly don’t need to make a public announcement (as the more annoying dating couples tend to do). No, what you need is friends and leaders in your church who share the same doctrinal and moral make-up as you do. These are people who will help guide you and give you a Biblical perspective in moments when you seem to lose it.
Steady relationships can be hard for a million different reasons, but those treacherous waters are much easier to navigate if you have godly friends who will hold you accountable (Prov 13:20; 18:24).
Married elders are important too. People who are married will have insight that goes beyond your peers who may have less experience in such matters. Check-in with them from time to time. Build a relationship with them that invites their critique. Be open with them, without shame or judgment. You want to learn from their wisdom and experience; you want to heed their counsel (Prov 18:15; 24:5-6).
Don’t Be Dumb
When you are in love, sometimes you do dumb stuff. But when you are in lust, you do exceptionally dumb stuff. One of the greatest enemies of potentially strong and godly dating relationships is sexual misconduct. The temptation is great, but the fall out can be even greater still. I have seen many relationships crumble apart because they repeatedly found themselves sinning against one another and God.
Paul says we have to be careful about physical contact we have with the opposite sex because if that contact goes unchecked then our natural course will be towards fornication.
1 Corinthians 7:1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
It is for this reason that we all should set boundaries, not to be legalistic or prudish but to resist sin and because we love the Lord more than we love the conveniences of life. We have to be prepared to avoid sexual immorality at every cost knowing that it poses a threat to our dating relationship, our personal lives, and our relationship with Christ (1 Cor 6:18).
It is for this reason that I often advise young people who are in a steady relationship to spend as much time as possible in group settings. By doing it this way, they create natural protection by being in public, which prevents unwise decisions.
As relationships continue to grow, it’s natural for serious couples to want to get to know each other one-on-one without the distraction of others. At this point, without imposing myself, I often make a very practical suggestion—a pro-tip to help couples avoid the most compromising scenarios:
1. Avoid cars
Very simply, when a couple is alone together in a car, they are isolated. They can drive anywhere, they can park anywhere. Particularly late at night, this becomes problematic (actually, not much good ever happens late at night but that’s another blog post). It’s an unnecessary temptation that can be simply avoided by meeting one another at your designated destination.
2. Avoid couches
This one is particularly dangerous. I don’t think I need to go into detail, but you catch my drift. Isolation without accountability will naturally lead to temptation. Add a comfortable environment and a movie with the lights out, you’re asking to sin. Don’t forget, what other people can’t see, God can, and he ain’t amused.
Now hear me, these are not mandates and by no means would I ever suggest this as law. All I am doing is advocating for caution. It's with great humility that I say that I am just a dude with a little bit of experience counseling these types of situations, and it seems necessary that I warn you. Avoid situations where Satan can tempt you and put your relationship in jeopardy. If there are other potential pitfalls that you recognize, feel free to establish your non-negotiables for dating, praise God. Be accountable. Be prayerful. It’s your job to take God’s word seriously and follow the provocation as well as restraint of the Holy Spirit.
“...if it wasn’t for God showing me a better way, I would have ruined one of the best things to ever happen to me”
Ultimately, this blog post is intended to help you navigate things as you pursue relationships at any phase of the process. Don’t be afraid. Don’t overthink it. Trust God and find contentment all along the journey. The process will prove you out, teach you patience, and draw you into deeper reliance on God and his grace.
I am proud to say that as of June 17th this year, I will have been married to Eva for fifteen years. Though dating was hard at times, I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for God showing me a better way, I would have ruined one of the best things to ever happen to me. His grace and the counsel of his word taught me a better way to “date.” One that was counterintuitive to what I had been taught. I love being married. I am thankful we avoided the baggage that comes with sin. I am overjoyed that we did it God’s way and have a testimony of his faithfulness.
Brandon Briscoe is the pastor over C&YA and oversees Living Faith Books publishing.