Jasmin: Impact of Discipleship
/“I was saved... but my life and my heart attitude looked just like the world”
I believe that to discuss how far I’ve come through discipleship, I have to explain where I started. I received the gift of salvation at the age of seven. Both of my parents were recently saved, and my mom shared the gospel with me. I believed in my heart and confessed with my mouth that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he died for my sins and rose again on the third day. I remember telling my classmates that I had eternal life and that they would too if they believed in Jesus Christ.
My parents raised my sister and me to be level-headed and to fear God. I decided to get baptized once I turned 13, but I honestly never read or understood the Bible for myself. When getting baptized, I only knew that it was the first step of obedience. I remember thinking, “What are the steps after that?” Still, I always thought God was proud of me. I thought I knew his will and His word, but in reality, I relied heavily on my dad to direct me and to tell me about the Bible. Needless to say, there was no growth. I had no fruit, and I didn’t have a personal relationship with Christ. I was saved by grace through faith, but my life and my heart attitude looked just like the world.
Once I got into my teenage years, I started following a boy. He became my god, and I would do anything to be with him and to get his attention. I stuck with him from the time I was 13 to the age of 17. He was never satisfied with just me. He didn’t care what I did for him or how much I gave him. Nothing was ever enough.
“I recognized that I didn’t fully know what I believed and why I believed it”
I wasn’t standing on anything at this point. I had no real biblical foundation, so it was easy for him to quickly unravel and undo everything my parents tried to instill in me. My self-esteem was destroyed, but I convinced myself I was confident. He would tell me I was nothing and that no one wanted me on a very regular basis. I would never tell him, or even myself, that I believed him, but my life reflected that I did. I convinced myself that the wrong things we were doing with each other were okay because maybe he’d treat me better now. Maybe he’d want to be my boyfriend, now that he got what he wanted. I was wrong; I quickly realized things would never get better. I grew disgusted with him. Still, I stayed by his side for a little longer. He was all I knew, and for some reason, I put a lot of stock into that fact. We did begin to grow apart, but I still stayed loyal to him.
Once I started college, I searched for ways to undo the pain within me. High school had been so rough, and my relationship with my parents was rocky because of my involvement with the boy. This resulted in me not having many friends. So, to the best of my ability, I started laying things down. I cut the boy off and deleted all contact with him. I did my best to mend my relationship with my parents. I tried to take the church thing seriously; I would go even if my parents didn’t. I got involved in church and started doing the praise and worship for the kids at Harvest Baptist Church. I was also attending the young adults class there, but college posed a lot of resistance to my faith. I recognized that I didn’t fully know what I believed and why I believed it. I didn’t have Christian friends to grow alongside, and I needed that accountability. My dad told me about Midtown Baptist Temple and eventually, I decided to go.
Almost immediately, I witnessed all of these young people praising the Lord at Midtown Baptist Temple. They were truly singing to worship God. It was loud and you could tell they were unashamed. It was weird and conviction hit me like a sack of bricks, and I just sobbed. It didn’t take long for me to realize that they were different than me. These college students had hope, they had light, and they had joy. I didn’t have any of that. The more I attended, the more I saw people who were willingly laying things down for Christ. They were dying to themselves, they were evangelizing, and they had joy in it. I was terrified of all of these things. I was so miserable and I had nothing to lose but still, it felt like death to lay my comforts down. It seemed far fetched to share the gospel with others and to be the person God was calling me to be.
“ God used this entire time in my life to bring all my darkness to light and cleanse me out”
A woman at Midtown named Amanda Allen could see the hurt in my eyes. She sat me down, she listened to me, and she prayed with me. With tears down my cheeks, I told her I was so unhappy, that no matter what I did, I couldn’t be happy and I was so tired of feeling this way. I said part of me wants the things I was seeing at this church because I know they are good, but I don’t truly want to do these things. I was not excited to lay my life down for Christ.
The most comforting thing she told me was that I could simply ask God to change my heart. She told me that God wants to do that for me. It seemed so simple, but I didn’t know before she told me. I saw all of these wicked things in me that my flesh did not want to change, and I just thought something was wrong with me. I’m just a bad Christian and a bad person. How could I not want what God wants? Why can’t I just be good? This was a pivotal point for me. I desperately wanted to start new in my relationship with Christ. This became a verse that stuck with me:
Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Following this moment, Amanda and girls from her Bible study were encouraging me to take the Cost of Discipleship class to see if I was ready to get discipled. I agreed and decided that I was ready to count the cost. At the same time that I signed up for discipleship, God moved me into the same house as my discipler, Victoria Khan (Tori). We didn’t know we would be paired together until after I had moved in. I believe God did this because he knew I needed to see Tori’s life firsthand to believe that she loved me unconditionally, that she lives what she believes, and that it’s possible to lay your life down for Christ and have joy in it. Discipleship was so much more than just a program of Bible lessons, God used this entire time in my life to bring all my darkness to light and cleanse me out. So many times throughout discipleship, I could not deny that God determined in drilling his message home to me.
“I have to give Him access to my heart if I want to see a change within it”
God gave Tori the key to my heart and through that special relationship, she was able to talk me through trauma and uncover my reservations about God. I struggled a lot with how God viewed me and who he is to me. I often battle with guilt; I couldn’t distinguish between it and conviction. Tori would explain the difference between the two for me until she was blue in the face. I believed God was angry with me or that he was very distant from me. I couldn’t face him when I sinned or when I even thought wrongfully. I would sin and like Adam and Eve, I would hide. I would hide for weeks, and it would lead to more sin because I was neglecting both prayer and God’s word. I didn’t believe that God was merciful, I knew it, but I was in unbelief. I believed I deserved to be without him.
These feelings I was holding would encourage me to go test the waters in the world. I would look to the world and men to find comfort. Each time I took a major step forward for Christ, a man would show up in my life. Each time, these men would offer me more and more of what I desired before I understood God’s word, but each time, I began to see the holes in their promises. I wasn’t content with these men because I knew God had more to offer. I could go with what man offers me, but I knew that if it wasn’t God’s plan, then at some point it would fail me. In all of my foolishness, I suffered consequences, but I came to true repentance in my pain. God is forgiving and faithful. He showed me that it brought him glory for me to deny my flesh and choose Him over these men I was tempted with. He reminded me that peace and joy are in him and not in man.
Psalm 16:11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
I came to know and believe that God is my Father. He desperately desires to know and keep the heart of his child. He wants to be in good communion with me so that He can heal me. I have to give Him access to my heart if I want to see a change within it. I have to show Him the wicked and ugly things inside, so He can make them right. I have to put His word into my mind so that He can use it to renew it.
“...the cost is great, but the reward is greater”
Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
The decision to follow God is like the beginning of a heart transplant. You say, “Here, can you fix this thing? It’s black, shriveled, and it’s ugly.” He says, “Yes, but this procedure is extremely invasive. I’ll have to have complete control while you’ll have to be put under anesthesia. You won’t always know what’s happening and you won’t understand all the terminology. There may be pain, there will be scars, and you may have an intense healing time. Do you accept these conditions?” I came to know that the stakes are high, the cost is great, but the reward is greater.
Jasmin Robinson is a member at Midtown Baptist Temple. She is involved in C&YA, serves in Kidtown and is a member of the choir.