Lessons in Being a Good Housemate
/I think we all know that sharing space with other human beings can get messy, in every sense of the word. God has had to teach me a lot about what it means to maintain a unified and healthy home life alongside other adults, and I’m here today to share some of those (ongoing) lessons. Whether you are learning what it means to honor your parents while living at home or moving into a new space with some singles, I hope this post can serve to challenge and encourage you in your role as a roomie.
“Know the person you’re yoking yourself with.”
Choose wisely.
Not all of us have this luxury (ya can’t exactly choose who your parents and siblings are). If choosing your housemate is in the cards, a golden rule to stand by would be this: if possible, don’t live with lost people. It will hinder your spiritual unity in the home and absolutely will limit your ability to minister there. In doing so, you are “yoking” yourself with someone who, though they may have great cleaning habits and are generally responsible, does not share your mission in life (2 Cor 6:14). In the same way that I would never counsel a sister in Christ to date a lost person, I would never counsel a fellow believer to live with an individual who doesn’t know Christ.
However, if you do find yourself in this position, know what you have signed up for and the limitations that come with it. Know the person you’re yoking yourself with. You will most likely have your fair share of conflict living with believers as well. Either way, make sure you’re in communication about the type of home you want to have and recognize that you will ultimately have to compromise on some things. No one is perfect. It is far better to live with someone full of grace and forgiveness than it is to be with someone who fits all of your criteria.
You’re not the boss.
Actually, unless you’re married or living with your parents, no one is. Just because you may be a few steps ahead of your roomie in the adulting department doesn’t give you permission to nag them into being a first-rate responsible roommate. Model the behaviors you think are important. If you do feel the need to confront something, make sure you remove the mote from your eye first (Matt 7:3) and then put the issue to rest. Having grace for your roommates' setbacks is going to do a lot more for your relationship in the long run than letting knit-picky issues poison your perspective of them.
Avoid gossip at all costs.
The easiest way to disrupt the unity of your home is to start venting all your roomie woes to a third party, and it is downright destructive if the person you’re venting to lives there as well. It is natural to seek validation for your frustrations by confiding in someone who probably shares them too, but that will only produce a deeper disdain for the roomie getting under your skin. If altercations are dealt with this way, it will almost always lead to relational polarization, exclusion, and a lot of hurt feelings. If you sincerely need help with an interpersonal issue at home, seek counsel! Go to a mature believer who can provide objective and biblical insight that will help you move forward in a way that leaves everyone loved and understood.
“Recognize that a shared space comes with a level of compromise”
Don’t expect your roomie to fulfill a spousal role for you.
Don’t be weird. No one signed a contract to be your other half just because they signed a 6-month lease with you. Respect their individual life. This point might seem like it is coming out of left field, but I have seen this happen a TON over my time in C&YA, and it can lead to a lot of strain in what once were healthy friendships. Each one of us has enough pressure coming from ministry, family, jobs, and school without having a mopey roommate complaining about how “they never see you.” That being said, if you’re able to prioritize regular time together, do so in the grace and liberty of Christ. Ultimately your home will benefit from regular time spent together, but don’t be legalistic. A good rule of thumb? People like to spend time with people who aren’t clingy.
Hospitality is a group effort.
This one is simple but so important. If you want your home to be a place of hospitality, everyone there needs to be on the same page about what that means. Will there be small group meetings there? Do you want your home to be a revolving door or are there specific times when having people over is doable? Making a house feel like a home takes time and requires work from everyone, but it all starts with a shared vision. Figure out what that is before you decide to give all your besties the garage code.
Be clean.
This ties into hospitality, too, but it is definitely a thorn in the side of many roomie relationships. I am convinced that 99.9% of roommate altercations ultimately break down into this one thing and boy can it get messy. Maintaining a clean and orderly space is a learned skill for most people, and everyone is more comfortable with their own dirt than they are with someone else’s. Remember that this is a shared space and that your idea of a relaxing environment is going to be a little different for someone else. It might not bother you if your space isn’t immaculate but generally, guests are going to feel more comfortable if the toilet seat is clean and the hand towel doesn’t smell rancid. Certainly, the person you live with is going to appreciate it if your socks aren’t abandoned in the couch cushions and the Tupperware in the fridge isn’t molding before you take care of it.
Embrace flexibility.
Recognize that a shared space comes with a level of compromise, especially if you are a single person who desires to be married someday. The mentality that you will “get your crap together” once you tie the knot with someone is a deceptive one. Do not be fooled! None of this is easier to learn at that point. Die to yourself now and you will be a better spouse someday for it. Whether or not you desire to be married someday, accept that you will have unmet expectations. It’s just a part of the deal.
“Trust God to stretch you”
I certainly am no pro in any of the areas listed above, but if I were to challenge you on any front, it would be to prefer your housemates over yourself. A crucial attribute to our new life in Christ is that we are servants wherever we go, including our home. For one reason or another, the home is where our flesh tends to come the most alive, so this has to be an active and daily choice.
Don’t have the perfect living situation lined up? Trust God to stretch you in that. You will be far more fulfilled in a frustrating living situation by choosing to love and serve your terrible housemate than if you use your difficult circumstance to justify a bad attitude. If you go into a living situation with the mentality of a servant, I guarantee you’re going to get the most out of that season.
Philippians 2:5-7 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
Havilah Guenther is a discipler and leader in Midtown Baptist Temple’s College and Young Adults ministry. She is a member of the Service Coordination and Marketing team and serves in Kidtown.