How to Pick a Husband
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“Even if you are not a holy person, you should pick a husband who is.”
I wrote this because it is something I have thought about a lot. I wonder all the time why Mindy picked me. I also think about the possibility of my daughters choosing a husband one day. So, I came up with possible criteria upon which my daughters can decide which man they will allow to marry them. As far as my boys are concerned, they’re on their own.
Here are eleven things. I know you’re supposed to have ten, but I hate top ten lists. So here it goes.
1. Born again
Is he born again? Is he genuinely saved? Can you tell, just by looking, without trying, that he is a believer? If you cannot, you should walk away. This is the primary and the easiest of the criteria. We can all agree, this is nonnegotiable (2 Cor 6:14-15). No matter how “in love” you think you are. Oil and water will never mix.
2. Holy
Does he lead a life that is set apart to his Father and Lord Jesus Christ? Does he lead a life that is set apart from sin? Does he have integrity? Does he make wise spirit-filled choices? Does he have a daily, prayerful, relationship with the Bible?
Everyone is flawed, but we’re not talking about everyone. We are talking about the husband you will spend the rest of your life with. I would advise you to be a hypocrite in this department. Even if you are not a holy person, you should pick a husband who is. Find a man who will lead you closer to Christ (1Pe 1:15).
3. History
Does he have a shady history? Everyone deserves a second chance. That is true. So let someone else marry him. You don’t have to be saddled with this guy's past. You have to ask yourself if his past is part of his victory story in Christ, or is it a past that he is currently trying to overcome. There is a past that is past, and there is a past that is present. If it is the latter, then you need to wait at the very least or just walk away (Eph 4:22-24).
A man’s past is very important to consider (1Chr 22:8) “But everyone has a past!” Okay, but what kind of past are we talking about? Are we talking about cheating on a test in secondary school or are we talking about prison? Are we talking about partying at university or are we talking about addiction? Are we talking about multiple girlfriends or multiple marriages? Make sure you know who you are marrying.
Another way of saying this is, “Does he have a good testimony?” or “Does he have a good name?” If you think not the safest bet is to just walk away. But if you must, then make sure you proceed with much fasting and prayer and A LOT of pastoral accountability and counsel (Pro 22:1).
4. Doctrine
Does he share your beliefs? You need to be detailed here because it will matter later. Does he have convictions regarding his doctrinal statement? You need a husband that is going to lead you in the word instead of away from it. You may not yet have doctrinal convictions of your own. Pick a husband who does (1Tim 6:3-5).
“Right now where you are, do you want to go where he is going?”
5. Money
Does he have any money? Does he have any immediate and tangible plans for money? For example, is he planning to move into your place when you marry – walk away. Is he hoping that his DJ dreams are going to take off – walk away. If he’s not in school, he should be in a job.
Do not choose a “fixer-upper” in this department. Should you marry a man for his money? Yes, you should. Not necessarily to be rich but a man who can support you without you working. You should work if you want to, but can he support you if you choose not to? This has nothing to do with money. This is about character and maturity. Not all working men are godly, but all godly men work. Do not settle in this area. Do not! You will be sorry later (1Tim 5:8).
6. Handsome
Are you attracted to him physically? Looks are not everything, but you are going to have to have sex with this guy for the rest of your life. Let me repeat — the rest of your life! I’m just saying (1Cor 7:3-4).
7. Temperament
Are you attracted to his temperament? Is he loud? Is he quiet? Is he funny? Is he serious? Is he hot-tempered? Is he cool? Is he easy-going? Is he high-strung? Is he laid back? People change in many ways, but temperaments do not change. Let me repeat, in this area, he will not change later. Don’t marry an introvert and expect him to be a people person later. Do not marry someone who is easy-going and expect him to be a go-getter later. It won’t happen. He’ll try, he’ll fail, and you’ll both be disappointed. I don’t have any scripture for this one; it’s just advice so do what you like.
8. Fruit of the Spirit
Is he happy and kind? The top three fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, and peace (Gal 5:22). On the outside, this looks like someone being happy and kind.
To clarify, I don’t mean is he happy or kind at any given moment; everyone has angry or mean moments. I am talking about his general disposition. Is he generally a happy and kind person to you and others? If he is an angry or mean person – walk away immediately (Pro 22:24). Even if his anger is “on behalf of Christ” – walk away. This unkind anger does not come from the Holy Spirit (Jas 3:13-18), and no one should have to live with that.
9. Discipline
A spirit-filled man is a disciplined man (Gal 5:23 temperance = self-discipline). It is possible for a man to become spirit-filled later. This is an area where change is possible, but it is difficult and rare. Is he lazy? Does he self-medicate with anything chronically? I’m not saying he has to be a Navy Seal but does he generally appear to have his crap together? Is he someone you trust? Is he someone you admire? Is he someone you would follow? Right now where you are, do you want to go where he is going? If you are uncertain – walk away or at least wait.
10. The Mission
Does he have a heart for the mission to which we are called? (Mat 28:19-20) Does he understand and embrace his mission to share Christ and make disciples? Does he understand home and foreign missions? The husband is supposed to lead but being a good leader is not enough. You need to be clear where he is leading you. He should lead the family to serve Christ (Jos 24:15).
11. Christ-like
If you put all these things together, you have a husband who is Christ-like and spirit-filled, and that is what you are looking for. Stop settling. Stop picking losers. Stop making excuses for men. Break the cycle of bad guys in your life. All the guys out there who “have potential” or “might change” or are “misunderstood” can be wonderful Christian brothers, but a husband is something altogether different. You don’t want a man who can be Christ-like. You want a man who already is.
“You should not have to strive to see the good in him.”
Application
You might be thinking these standards are too high. I mean where do you find a guy like that? The truth is they do exist. There are godly men out there. But this list is not perfect. You are free to set your own standards, and you should. Send them back to me so I can improve my list.
Here is what I’m really getting at. When it comes to picking a husband, you can be understanding if you want. You can see the diamond in the rough. That is fine. Just remember that now is when you have the option to walk away. Now is when you have the choice. And what about later, after the “I do’s”? That is when you remember that you are the one who chose to marry him. You knew who he was and you married him anyway.
After you are married, that is the time for grace, understanding, patience, and prayer. That is when you stick it out with your man and genuinely see in him the man that he can be in Christ. After marriage is the time you strive to see the good in him. That is when you bite your tongue and seek to win him over through a meek and quiet spirit (1Pe 3:1-4).
Before you get married is a different story. Before you get married is not the time for grace. It is the time for law. You should not have to strive to see the good in him. Now is not the time for understanding. Now is not the time to bite your tongue. Now is the time to pick a man in whom you can already see Christ. And others should be able to see it too.
This may not be a gracious or encouraging thing to say, but if you marry the wrong guy, it will alter your life forever. Even if you divorce him, it is almost impossible to ever be truly rid of him, especially when kids are involved. Go and speak with a divorcee. They will rejoice in the children it brought into their life, but apart from that they will tell you it is better to remain single than to marry the wrong guy.
On this side of the “I do’s” you should be picky. Only a good man is worthy of you. When picking a husband, if you start with law, the grace part is much easier later. Find a man whom you admire for his godliness. Have high standards and remember these words, “Til death do us part.” Happy hunting.
Brian Clark is a missionary and church planter in London. He pastors Crossroads London and teaches part of the Methods of Evangelism class in the Living Faith Bible Institute.